The Desire Quagmire
by Imaginari-Mari
Summary: AU, beginning mid–The Adhesive Duck Deficiency. The shift in Penny and Sheldon's paradoxical friendship begins in Sheldon's hands.
1. Deficiency

**The Desire Quagmire**

**Summary:** AU, starting mid–The Adhesive Duck Deficiency. The shift in Penny and Sheldon's paradoxical friendship begins in Sheldon's hand(s).

…..

It was a strange, suddenly foreign sense of loyalty to Leonard that made her ask Sheldon to let go.

There was nothing sensual, nothing lusty or sexy about his accidental groping of her breast. But as soon as his hands, large and surprisingly nimble, touched he bare skin, she felt every nerve ending fire up with a desire that felt so strange.

Her arm was hanging out of its socket, creating waves of pain that hit every few seconds and causing her to grit her teeth and snap at the hapless man in front of her, a man who had little experience with humans in general, let alone a naked woman in pain.

And yet he was so gentle as he dressed her, his eyes closed as he searched with his fingers. She hissed with pain as his fingertips grazed her hurt shoulder, and she saw him wince with concern and shame, sorry that he had hurt her. His hands moved further down her arm, searching for her hand so he could slip the painful appendage through the sleeve.

And instead, he grabbed her breast.

He paused.

She heard his sharp intake of breath in his shock, and his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. He screw his eyelids together, determined not to look even as his hand continued to rest on his best friend's girlfriend's chest.

She wished her voice was less accusatory.

"Is that my arm?"

He wished his voice quivered less, nervousness and embarrassment and an alien feeling of adolescent lust causing the tremble.

"It doesn't feel like an arm."

She wished, fleetingly, for less than a second, that he would never stop.

"Then maybe you should let it go."

He would lose REM cycles wishing he hadn't.


	2. Experiment

**The Desire Quagmire**

Ch. 2

_Author's Note:_ Sorry for the extended period between the first chapter and this one; law school is quite the time suck. This chapter comes just at the end of 'The Gorilla Experiment', as Sheldon is concluding his research journal.

**…..**

Subject is much smarter than I have ever given her credit for.

I have been guilty of a superiority complex, one I previously felt was justly deserved. An IQ of 187 is rare and, according my mother, a gift from God. Going to college right after fifth grade was quite the ego boost, and I quickly began to realize just how much more intelligent than everyone else I was.

I have always believed Penny to be less intelligent than most. She's an uneducated rural woman from Nebraska, more interested in sex and alcohol than grooming her mind or improving herself. This is what I had first perceived, and I had never made a concerted effort to change my first impression of her.

But when she explained to Bernadette my idiosyncrasy concerning my spot, and the reasons why I had claimed it as my own, I was utterly shocked.

As I said, there is hope for her yet. She listened and remembered something regarding me, something which I had tried to condition her into doing. Perhaps it worked.

Or perhaps she has been listening all along, and I never really gave her a chance.

The fact that she wanted to learn physics, if only for Leonard, who frankly isn't worth the attention, is a start.

Wait.

That was unnecessarily vicious. Why would I, a _homo novus_, care at all that Penny is trying to learn for Leonard's sake rather than her own? I truly believe that Leonard's work is mere child's play, but that doesn't mean Penny can't learn it – it would be a baby step into the more complicated realm of my own work. After all, my own work is more interesting, more complex, and has more to offer humanity.

Perhaps that's why I took so much pleasure in her verbatim repetition of my views regarding Leonard's experiment. Perhaps I really feel myself and my work to be much worthier of Penny's attention than Leonard and his.

Have I succumbed to the green-eyed monster of jealousy, like a lesser _homo sapien_?

For once in my life, I have no answer. I no longer know myself.


	3. Vortex

**The Desire Quagmire**

Ch. 3

_Author's Note:_ This chapter takes place in the middle of 'The Psychic Vortex.'

Also, thank you very much for the reviews, and all of the story alerts! I am very glad this is found interesting. As you may have noticed, this isn't a traditional chapter story. Rather, I am going through each episode of Season 3, post The Adhesive Duck Deficiency, and twisting the evidence into an alternative history of a developing Shenny relationship. Each episode basically the same until the shift is complete, and each vignette has shifts between Penny's, Sheldon's, and an omniscient point of view.

I am not happy with this chapter. But I need to move forward with the story, and this has become such a roadblock that I just have to submit it and move on.

…

I slammed the door in his face.

"Want your fish?"

Still angry, I open the door only a few inches, stuck my hand out and grabbed my leftovers. That task accomplished, I slammed the door shut on Leonard for the second time in as many minutes.

"I knew you were going to do that," he called viciously, his voice fading slightly as he moved towards his and Sheldon's apartment. "Doesn't make me psychic!"

I waited until I heard the door to 4A slam, and then let out my own shriek of frustration as I threw myself onto the couch. I closed my eyes, willing myself to calm down, but my mind just kept whirring along. I just kept thinking the same thing over and over and over again.

My boyfriend was a huge asshole.

I mean, Leonard has been snarky and condescending before, but this went beyond anything he had previously said. He had implied that I was stupid before, made it clear that he was smarter than me before, but now he was mocking me for one of my beliefs, something that is a real part of who I am as a person.

He was mocking me for being myself, and implied that who I was did not measure up.

He was no better than Kurt, or Mike, or any of other assholes I dated.

Wait. Those aren't fair comparisons. Kurt had cheated on me too many times to count – Leonard would never do that. Mike used me for sex and seemed to like me only for the fact that I was good in bed - Leonard has always been grateful for our relationship.

But all of them, in one way or another, called me stupid. Leonard will never, ever escape the fact that he is just like Kurt, Mike, and everyone else for doing that.

I guess what bothers me most about the entire evening is how cruel his was in his mocking. He just started laughing, even when I had asked him not to make fun of me. He didn't attempt to prove his point - he's a scientist – shouldn't that have been the first thing he did? He just kept saying "facts are facts" – no, they aren't! He didn't even make an effort to talk to me about it – he called me stupid then wanted to have sex.

At least when Sheldon commented on my belief in astrology a few years ago, he didn't do it to mock me; he did it to prove that he – in the name of science - was right.

Wait. Why am I making that comparison? Sheldon is my friend, not my boyfriend, and what he does shouldn't be the standard that I compare Leonard too. But the contrast is too obvious for me to ignore.

Sheldon was just as condescending and just has pig-headed about the fact that he was right and my beliefs were wrong. But if there is one thing that I have learned about that lanky, awkward theoretical physicist it is that he wants to educate – he wants people to know what he knows.

That's why he lectures on and on and on about silly things like tapioca pudding and string theory and Wolverine's bone claws. He wants his friends to know what he knows; he wants to show much he can fit into that big brain of his, and he wants to share what he finds fascinating, even though the rest of us often don't care.

He has never made fun of me for my beliefs, only wanted to prove that he knew that scientists have "disproved them."

Yes, he has called me stupid. Yes, that should put in in the same doghouse has Leonard. But for some reason, I can forgive him for that. He doesn't know better; he can't understand that people's brains don't work like his, and that other people could be so stupid in comparison to him. He is socially inept, emotionally stunted, and for that I can forgive him. It's hard to stay mad at him.

I guess that's the difference. Sheldon doesn't know better; but he is learning. Leonard knows better, and does it anyway.

Yes, I'm a hypocrite for being mad at my boyfriend for calling me stupid, but not at his roommate for every time he's said it or implied it. But Leonard's look of smug condescension is infuriating. Sheldon's smile and child-like delight when he is right makes it so much easier to forgive, and to smile back.

What does that say about me?


	4. Reaction

**The Desire Quagmire**

Ch. 4 – Reaction

_Summary:_ During Sheldon's bus ride to Bozeman, Montana, he reflects on what he has left behind in Pasedena.

….

I'm going to miss them.

It floors me that I have managed to create such viable emotional attachment to the people I spent every day of the last few years of my life with. Sure, proximity might have created a certain fondness for their various idiosyncrasies - Leonard's sarcasm, Raj's wit, Howard's outfits, Penny's optimism - but the idea of this fondness going through such a substantial metamorphosis is baffling.

I mean, there are things that I will certainly not miss about my three close friends and one treasured acquaintance. Leonard's perpetual insecurity about his relationship with Penny, Raj's penchant for touching his lips to one's ear when he has to speak with a woman in the room, and Howard's incessant attempts and subsequent failures at womanizing are all things that I certainly look forward to living without.

But I still feel a tightening in my throat when I think of my friends, a physical manifestation of my grief over leaving them behind for a safer life in Bozeman. Their faces after they watched the video I recorded for them indicated that they, on some level, might miss me as well.

Penny's face in particular struck me as upset. I am terrible at recognizing emotions – they contribute nothing to my own scientific study – but her eyes were sad, and her lips were turned into a prototypical frown.

It is that frown that prevents me from reaching REM sleep while on this bus. It is her laugh, her smile, her thinly veiled contempt as I correct her grammar that I find that I will miss the most. It is the thought of Penny that causes my throat to close up more than anything else.

She, more than anyone else in our ragtag group of misfits, is my best friend. She listens, Leonard doubts. She offers advice, Raj babbles about Twilight. She attempts to teach me about people and their feelings, Howard resents me for not knowing about people.

Her idiosyncrasies have become less distressing and more charming the longer I have known her. The messy apartment, the colloquialisms, the ignorance of academic pursuits are still bothersome – I still can't sleep knowing that swirling vortex of entropy is just across the hall – but I now know that Penny is not just messy, folksy and street smart. She is what others refer to as sweet. She is perpetually optimistic about her chances as an actress, no matter how many auditions she fails. She somehow manages to keep a smile on her face as she works as a waitress, in a mind-numbing and pedestrian job that I know she hates. She treats me with empathy, a concept that befuddles me but that she has mastered.

I will miss her, almost as much as I missed Meemaw when I left for college. The visceral reactions are exactly the same now as they were when I was twelve.

I am unsure about the implications of this realization.


	5. Collision

**The Desire Quagmire**

Ch. 5

**Summary:** Sheldon and Penny are stuck on the couch as "The Large Hadron Collision" ends. What transpires when Leonard is an ocean away?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Penny looked over at Sheldon. He was glaring at her, his eyebrows pointed into a 'V' with displeasure.

"Happy Valentine's Day," she croaked, looking at him from under her eyebrows.

He huffed and turned back to his soup, deftly spooning up 3 noodle stars and a piece of chicken.

"There is nothing happy about it," he replied after swallowing. "We have remained here in Pasadena, while Raj and Leonard are enjoying the trip that should be mine."

"Mine first, Dr. Whack-A-Doodle," Penny retorted with a sigh as she closed her eyes. She just was not up to dealing with his ridiculousness today. Her sinuses were killing her, her throat felt like it was made entirely of sandpaper, and her nose was raw from blowing it so much. All she wanted to do was sleep – and instead, she was attempting to entertain her obsessive, overly-needy neighbor who could find the area under the curve in less than four seconds but couldn't take care of himself when he was ill.

Perfect.

A few minutes later, she opened her eyes again. Sheldon was looking at her again, this time with an expression of controlled curiosity.

"What, Moonpie?"

"You know that I am not nearly as adept as more socially inclined humans at reading facial expressions or emotions; however, your body language and the sigh you recently emitted inform me that you are upset."

Penny resisted the strong urge to roll her eyes at him. Of _course_ she was upset – the fourteenth of February rarely came and went without her getting upset, and this time her boyfriend was half a world away – but at least he was trying. At least he noticed – and she couldn't be sarcastic with him when he big blue eyes resembled those of an inquisitive puppy.

"Yes, Sheldon, I am upset," she said, stifling another sigh.

He quirked an eyebrow up at her, inviting her to continue. "Why?"

"This isn't how I wanted to spend Valentine's Day. Leonard promised me a Swiss vacation, with chocolate and champagne and roses – and instead, I'm sitting here with a whack-a-doodle who wants star noodles in his chicken soup."

"Star noodles make the soup infinitely better. But that is beside the point – you are unhappy because rather than being with Leonard with Geneva, you are in Pasadena with me. My company, on this falsely romantic and mostly macabre of days, is unacceptable to you."

If she hadn't been looking at him, she would have missed the briefest flash of hurt that flickered across his face.

"No, no, no, Sheldon – your company is fine," she quickly replied as she saw him stiffen, his usual wall of aloofness and antisocial tendencies back in place. "It's just that I had really high expectations for today, and my plans have been ruined. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I like being here with you."

"Why did you have high expectations?" he asked, choosing to ignore her apology.

"This is my first Valentine's Day where I actually had someone to spend it with. I've been single every other year, and I finally was going to enjoy it. I expected romance and fun."

"Ah." He looked at his bowl, now half empty. For some inexplicable reason, he had felt hurt when Penny had intimated that she would rather be with Leonard. _Why wouldn't she want to? He is her significant other. I am not. _He looked over at her – she looked miserable. Her nose was red and she was shivering, despite the fact that she was wrapped in her comforter. That wouldn't be a fun way to spend any day, let alone a holiday she appeared to truly wish to celebrate.

Well, he'd show her. He'd prove to her that hanging out with him on this traditionally oxymoronic day (seriously, why had Hallmark decided to make the nominally most romantic day of the year the same as a celebration of the bloody death of a martyr-saint?) was just as fun as being in Switzerland, skiing with Leonard.

_But what about the romance?_ He shook his head. He was not romantic – he was logical and practical. Plus, he had no feelings of that nature for Penny that would make this day romantic. Right? Right. _Right_.

Perhaps if he kept repeating that to himself, he'd be able to forget the fact that hugging her had made is heart race in an unexpected, although not unpleasant manner. He'd forget that she was still aesthetically pleasing to the eye even with the flu. He'd resist the urge to grab his computer and order her flowers – not roses, roses were too cliché - to be delivered to his apartment. He'd remember that he was a homo novus, immune to emotional attachment. He'd be able to explain why the dynamic between Penny and him was shifting so much.

_Right?_

"Penny, go get your laptop. We're going to have some fun."

Hours later, they sat on the couch watching Penny's "Friends" DVDs. They had played Age of Conan, teaming up to defeat one of the more difficult bosses and leveling up their characters. She had made him hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows, and he had ordered Chinese food, graciously allowing her the extra dumpling. They had watched Return of the Jedi and Sex in the City, each playfully mocking the other's choice.

As the _Friends_ theme began to play, Penny leaned on Sheldon's shoulder.

She was surprised that he didn't demand that she move.

He was surprised that he didn't want her to move.

"Someday we'll go to Switzerland," Penny said. The 'together' was implied.

"You'll ski, I'll visit the Collider."

"Then we'll meet up for hot chocolate."

"Sounds acceptable." He reached over to the coffee table, grabbed the universal remote and paused the DVD. "Well, Penny, the scientific community eagerly awaits your findings. Was this Valentine's Day fun?"

She leaned away from him, looking into his face. She made eye contact with him and smiled.

"Even better than expected."

He smiled back, and her heart leapt.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**A/N**: I apologize for the exorbitantly long time between updates. Law school is slowly killing me.


	6. Acquisition

**The Desire Quagmire**

**Ch. 6:** Acquisition

**Summary:** When Sheldon is prevented from meeting Stan Lee, Penny considers everything he has done for her – and she attempts to do something for him in return.

**A/N:** I apologize for the long, long wait between updates. I hate to admit that this might be the established pattern for this fic, and I will do my best to remedy the situation. I have an appellate brief due on Monday, and writing this allowed me a much-needed mental break. Thank you to everyone who has left a review, added this story as a Favorite or subscribed to a Story Alert – you guys are the best, and motivate me!

-XXX-

I turned the key in the ignition, turning off my car. The engine quieted while I sat in the parking lot of the comic store, but my brain continued to whir with swirling thoughts.

It was my fault. Sheldon had placed the blame firmly on me – and, if I was truly honest with myself, it was my fault.

No, it wasn't my fault that I had gotten hurt and that I needed him to drive me. No, it wasn't my fault that he didn't know how to drive. But it was my fault that I pushed him to run that red light – what good would those lost 45 seconds have done me in the emergency room, where I had waited for three hours before a doctor had been able to shove my shoulder back into its socket? It was my fault that I hadn't even attempted to talk him out of arguing in front of the judge – wasn't I the one who routinely got him to act a normal man, not a genius?

So yes, it was my fault that he had a criminal record and had almost had to pee in front of other people. The thought alone must have made him lose his shit. It was my fault that he had missed meeting Stan Lee, eating gelato with Stan Lee, admiring and worshipping Stan Lee.

But his list of what I had done to him, while troubling and upsetting, wasn't the worst thing. No, it was the look on his face that still flashed in front of my eyes. It was the look on his face that kept swirling around in my brain. It was the look on his face that had led me to drive to comic store of by myself and willingly consider talking to Stuart – who, if I was honest, seriously creeped me out.

Sheldon had looked so sad, so disappointed. He was like a child who realized he had missed a trip to Disneyland because his mom had fallen asleep on the couch. His reactions to everything in his life are so child-like. He still gets excited about toys and superheroes. He plays vintage video games, using the memory cards with games saved from when he was a boy. He still calls his grandmother MeeMaw, he still calls his mother when he is upset. He missed a chance to meet one of his childhood heroes, and this made him upset.

If I had missed out on meeting Ginger Spice, I would have been just as upset.

I had a distinct urge to make him happy again. But how? I couldn't offer to clean for him; he had commented himself, many times, about my own hygiene and he was the only person I knew who actually enjoyed cleaning. I couldn't pay for his dinner. I couldn't pay to have my check engine light fixed. I, however, did remember that Stuart's uncle knew Stan Lee – and that I could get Stuart to give me his contact information.

But was I really willing to put myself into such an awkward situation? I hated the comic book store, and Stuart, with his references to our 'history', his attitude of desperation and his references to his lonely life were almost enough to make me turn my car back on and drive straight home.

Instead, I remembered singing "Soft Kitty" in a round. I remembered hands gently dressing me, with an accidental boob grope. I remembered an attempt to comfort me, despite his own discomfort. I remembered his hands gripping the wheel, the knuckles white and his breaths quick and shallow with terror as he drove me, as fast as his fears would allow, to the hospital. I remembered a wad of money in my hands that paid my rent and fixed my car. I remembered the Penny Blossom orders in my inbox that I needed to fill, made faster and more efficient with Sheldon's production. I remembered his attempts to teach me, even though he believed I was too stupid to learn.

I remembered a Sheldon who always helped me when I asked, even when it inconvenienced him or forced him into situations that were unfamiliar, uncomfortable and scary.

He was always there for me, for everything. I owed him. I could begin to repay that debt – a debt he would never acknowledge – by simply talking to Stuart.

I grabbed my purse and opened the door, walking with renewed purpose to the entrance to the comic book store.


End file.
